I’m five weeks pregnant now, though I really don’t feel it. I had some nausea last week, but it has passed now so I think maybe it was related to my cough. I can’t put my finger on why, but I have a really bad feeling about this pregnancy. I think I probably had this last time too, but dismissed it as nerves, whereas this time I’m worried it’s some kind of mother’s intuition.
The only symptom I’m really having is mood-swings, and boy, am I having them. I have cried so many times this week. Everything about the internet is killing me. Harrowing stories about refugees, heartwarming Christmas tales, whatever, I’m crying. In fact, I’m not even sure it counts as mood-swings if you just cry constantly.
I think last week, because of the nausea, I was feeling positive about the pregnancy and had started daydreaming about having a baby again, but this week I just don’t feel pregnant. Instead, I feel terrified that something bad has already happened, I know that probably sounds really silly but I can’t push the thought out of my mind. It’s very frustrating not really knowing what is happening inside your own body.
I had a pregnancy test left over which I tried to do this morning for a bit of reassurance, but it didn’t work. The digital screen stayed blank so it was really not reassuring at all. And now I’ve had to ask Laurie to buy more because I’m feeling even more anxious about it all. I just want the morning sickness to kick in so I have some kind of proof of the pregnancy, even though I know it won’t take me long to regret that.
I am feeling exhausted which I guess is a good sign. But then I also haven’t had much sleep lately so it’s hard to say whether I feel normal tired or growing-a-baby tired. I’ve come down with a cold this week too, so I’ve been ill twice in the past fortnight, so I guess that could be proof of a compromised immune system thanks to the pregnancy.
I should probably try to make more of an effort not to worry about these things. Because then I’ll only have to start worrying about the effect of stress on the baby, and really, where am I going to find that extra worrying time?!
Laurie really wanted to tell Ebony this weekend, but I think that’s been making me feel more anxious. I can’t imagine how horrible it would be to tell her and then have to give her bad news if something went wrong. In another week the risk of miscarriage will drop significantly and, assuming I feel pregnant by then, I’d be happy to tell her. But right now it just feels a bit risky. Although I do really want to see what she says and see the look on her face when we tell her.
This has been a bit of a depressing pregnancy update, I apologise. So far week five is full of anxiety and doubt, hopefully next week I will be feeling a little happier about it all!
--
I just wanted to add a slightly more positive update to the above pity party. I felt so exhausted all day yesterday that I began to feel much more positive about the pregnancy. I am just so sleepy at the moment, though I don’t think I’m getting enough rest. My boobs have started to hurt more too, and it’s all starting to feel a little familiar now which is reassuring. I took another pregnancy test this morning because I am a) crazy and b) hoping to make the owners of Clear Blue even richer, and it was positive. Not only that, I didn’t have to wait the full three minutes for the rest, it flashed up after just 70 seconds so I feel like that must be a good sign.
I’ve decided to push away the doubt in my mind and instead focus on the excitement I’m feeling. By chance, I was having a conversation with some friends (who don’t know I’m pregnant) about when to announce pregnancies yesterday. It was interesting hearing the differences between when people chose to tell their children that they’d be getting a baby brother or sister. I’m still feeling really nervous about the idea of telling Ebony just in case anything went wrong with the pregnancy. But I’m also really looking forward to telling her so I can’t decide to when to do it.
