5 Best & Worst Things About Having a Baby in Lockdown

 

Ettie was born in July, in the middle of a global pandemic, and while I wouldn’t recommend this timing as ideal for a stress-free pregnancy, I do think there were some positives. Ettie wasn’t my first baby and, if she was, I think I would feel completely different. I think I would have struggled with isolation if she was my first because I wouldn’t have had existing mum friends around me to offer support and listen to me moan. 

This list is a personal one based on my circumstances, and it won’t apply to everyone. Probably a lot of the things I class as benefits won’t apply to other people, but equally, there will be things I found difficult that perhaps other people wouldn’t have struggled with. I don’t live near to my parents, and I have missed them a lot this year. I would have loved to have been able to walk past their house regularly and wave at them through the window so they could see Ettie growing bigger (and me, during my pregnancy), but alas, it’s not possible for us. 

Now the disclaimers are out of the way; I am going to move onto the actual post. So, pregnancy and birth and babycare in a pandemic. What a headfuck. If you think your anxiety has been out of control during the pandemic, you should try being pregnant. It was stressful. 

Here are five of the best things about having a baby in lockdown:

1. Being cocooned 

I was six months pregnant when England went into lockdown. At the time, nobody knew how long it would last or what it meant for the future. I knew I wouldn’t be re-entering society until after the baby was born, however. Even when discussions started about when to re-open schools, I had decided I would be keeping my older children home until after the summer holidays. 

I stopped working pretty soon after lockdown because it wasn’t possible to juggle childcare and two working parents, and my job is flexible enough that I was able to stop. I know how lucky that makes me and that most people didn’t have a choice. I stopped working by April and then spent the new few months merely being pregnant and not homeschooling my kids. 

I would wake up early every day and take my eight-year-old out on a long walk. We walked for an hour and a half each morning (started as an hour, but by the end of pregnancy, I was sloooow). It was lovely to spend that time with her, listening to her chat absolute shit about Harry Potter and her future career as a librarian and her dream garden. When we got home, I would sit in the bath trying to pretend I wasn’t dying from the walk (my poor pelvis). Then, slowly, I would get dressed and ready for the day. We spent most of our time in the garden. Me, reading a book, lying on my Holo (a lilo with a bump hole - pregnant women, you need this).  The kids, completely feral, running wild in the garden.

I was in charge of feeding the kids, which was a fulltime job, but aside from that, I had very little to do. I was just pregnant, and it felt like a real luxury to be able to focus on that and take a break from real life. After the birth, I continued in this lockdown cocoon until the kids went back to school in September. 

2. No ‘Still pregnant?’ comments

As a woman who gestates for approximately 87 years with each pregnancy, I liked not seeing people. I don’t care who you are; I don’t want to hear your thoughts on the size of my bump or how long I’ve been pregnant. With my previous pregnancies, I have endured plenty of “Is it twins?!” and “Still pregnant then?” comments. This pregnancy, I only got one comment from one old man on one of my early morning walks with Ebony. I can handle one comment; I can’t handle weeks worth of comments. If I’d been on the school run in June, I’d have had to endure countless “Have you tried curry?” comments and the rage would have been difficult to manage, so for that reason alone, I’m glad I was on lockdown. 

It’s not fun going so far past your due date, but it felt manageable because the lack of other people’s opinions gave me space to relax and endure those final weeks of pregnancy (I was going to say enjoy but who am I kidding). 

3. Laurie was around

If somebody had asked me a year ago whether I would like Laurie to work from home fulltime, I would have said no. Then felt stressed that they were asking for a reason. Then rung Laurie to check he definitely wasn’t planning on working remotely anytime soon. But actually, having Laurie at home this year has been amazing. For me. Probably not for his clients and colleagues who have had to listen to our four-year-old screaming during meetings.

When I was pregnant and uncomfortable, Laurie could jiggle his work schedule to give me a break in the day. He started taking the kids out on a lunchtime bike ride every day. When I couldn’t sleep, he took the kids out for 7 am walks so that I could catch up on sleep. When I was 87 years pregnant and emotional, he could take over the parenting while I sat in the dark and pretending I trusted my body and everything was Fine. When I had hospital appointments at short notice, he could drive me there and look after the kids. Everything was more manageable with him at home.

And now, with three kids in the morning, his being home takes the stress out of the school run. Life just feels so much easier with an extra pair of hands around to help out. 

4. No visitors

It’s lovely when people want to come and visit your new baby. But, it’s also tiring and can be overwhelming in the early days. I had said right at the start of the pregnancy, long before anybody ate the bat, that I didn’t want to have any visitors for the first two weeks after the birth. After Ember’s birth, I felt very vulnerable and having visitors was just too much, and I didn’t want the stress of that again. 

Having a baby in lockdown means you can’t have visitors anyway. And, of course, there is a sad side to that, but in a completely selfish way, it was nice to have time to bond as a family of five. It’s tough when you’ve just had a baby. Physically, it takes weeks to heal even after a positive birth. Emotionally, your hormones are all over the place, and you feel insane. You are tired and overwhelmed and worried you will always feel this way. It’s not a good time to have people visit. I think we should all take it upon ourselves to leave new parents alone for the first few weeks so that they can bond with their babies and feel sane before they re-enter society. 

5. The sense of community

I quite like that I had a baby during the pandemic, partly because of the reasons mentioned above, but also because it’s a little bit different. I have a special face mask in her memory box, which I wore to the hospital for her birth. I think having a baby during lockdown has been strange and while there are definitely downsides, it’s also pretty special. I can see myself as a grandma telling stories about when I had my baby in lockdown. The hours spent in an online Ocado queue will be like the stories my grandparents told me about ration books. 

It’s also been nice to see the community coming together, not just for vulnerable people at risk of the pandemic, but also for new parents. In the village I live in, mums have organised walks for new parents so they can meet up and talk. There’s a socially distanced baby group in the church. There’s a WhatsApp group for local mums with babies (and ones for dads). Yes, some parents have found it harder to access proper services (my Health Visitor just didn’t show up to our appointment, so my only contact with her has been over the phone), but it’s been nice to see mums supporting each other to fill that void. 

It’s not all been positive, though. Some things have been pretty crap. Here are five of the worst things about having a baby in lockdown:

1. Extra anxiety

I think everybody felt anxious in March. There was an awful period where nobody knew what was going to happen. It was tense during those weeks; I was obsessively checking the news and death stats on my phone all day long. My screentime was about eight hours a day the week before lockdown. My eyes can’t cope with that level of screen use, and I had many headaches. 

Pregnancy heightened this anxiety. I wanted a home birth and home birth services across the country were getting cancelled, and I spent a lot of time worrying about that. I was afraid that if the kids or Laurie came down with symptoms, then I would end up having to give birth alone. I was worried about everything. It wasn’t fun, and it wasn’t easy to find reassurance to any of my worries because nobody knew what was going to happen. 

2. Attending appointments alone and trying to have serious conversations through masks

Masks aren’t fun, are they? The first time I wore a mask was for a routine midwife appointment, and when I tried to talk, I ended up yelling, which was funny but also awkward and embarrassing. At that midwife appointment, it took a long time to find the baby’s heartbeat. I was lying on the bed, under a bright light, trying to breathe through a mask, while the room was way too silent, and it wasn’t pleasant. 

What was more difficult, however, was trying to speak to doctors through a mask. It’s also worth noting that you have to attend all these hospital appointments alone. I would have been heartbroken if Laurie couldn’t attend the earlier scans with me, and while he did miss out on the later scans I had during pregnancy, I wasn’t too bothered about this because we weren’t supposed to have them anyway. Attending the Antenatal Day Unit alone was a terrifying prospect, but I actually found it ok. I seem to cry more if Laurie is there, so going alone meant I cried less (still managed to ugly cry once though, go me) which I was ok with. 

Masks, however, made it all feel quite stressful. I found it difficult making myself heard (this feels silly to say now because I’ve gotten so used to wearing masks, but at the time, it felt challenging). I had one very frustrating conversation with a doctor, and although I think it would have been stressful regardless, I don’t think the mask helped. I guess I rely on facial expressions a lot during conversations, so not having that element made it a lot more stressful. 

3. No visitors

I talked about the benefits above, but there are downsides to not having visitors. I was looking through old photos the other day and found some photos of my first child as a baby grinning at my mum, and it made me cry. It’s heartbreaking that Ettie doesn’t know who any of her grandparents are. Sadly, she hasn’t had regular contact with them or the cuddles that my other children had enjoyed by this age. It’s hard not living near my parents because it means they haven’t been able to see Ettie grow and she’s already changed so much. I’m glad we live in a time of smartphones and social media, but it in no way makes up for being there in person. 

On a selfish note, I missed my mum visiting in the early days because it meant our kitchen was a mess. My parents make my life easier. When I have a newborn baby, they appear with fresh fruit and homemade soup and by the time they leave, the house is less chaotic, my kids are happy, and my load feels lighter. I missed that a lot, especially in the early weeks. 

There are also lots of friends who haven’t met Ettie, and that feels weird. Quite a few of my faraway friends have had babies this year, and we haven’t been able to introduce them. I know this year would have looked very different without coronavirus. It’s been weird to have a year of minimal socialising, and I am so looking forward to things returning to normal again.

4. No baby mates

I know, babies don’t really have friends, but also the do. I miss the days of going to the pub and plonking the babies down on the pub sofa and pretending they were best friends. I miss lying all the babies down next to each other at baby group. I miss watching them interact, even though it is inevitably scratchy and drooly. 

I am lucky to live a few doors away from a baby group that has found a way to continue in a socially-distanced capacity. That baby group is over-subscribed (as I’m sure you can imagine) because of the limit on numbers. However, the woman who runs it is lovely and is going above and beyond to make sure mums are still able to find the support they need (I think she might be an actual angel). We sit on mats and can’t move around the room, the babies don’t get to interact, but it’s a nice play to go and chat with other mums, and it has been a life-saver. 

I am so glad Ettie wasn’t my first baby and that I already know plenty of mums I can meet up with for walks. When I had my first baby, I didn’t know anybody in my local area, and not many of my friends had children so I would have struggled so much with loneliness if we’d been in lockdown. I feel for all the first time mums trying to navigate parenthood for the first time this year. 

5. Her baby book is a little sorry

There is definitely a market for pandemic-specific baby groups because the regular ones don’t work very well. There’s a big focus on visitors and cuddles and things that just weren’t possible in 2020. I would prefer a place to stick the facemask from her birth, and photographs of loved ones waving through windows, and perhaps maps of the many, many, many walks I took her on when there was nowhere else to go. Instead, the baby book is like a collection of what should have been—the special occasions and the family meetups and baby showers that were not to be this year. 

To all those of you who have welcomed babies this year, I hope you have found some positives to take the edge off. It has certainly been a strange time to have a baby. 

Pregnant in a Pandemic: Too Many Worries

Well, life got a little weird, didn't it? It feels crazy that a few short weeks ago, my biggest concern was whether or not to have the Glucose Tolerance Test. That feels like a whole other pregnancy now. 

So, in case you were wondering, it is weird to be pregnant during a pandemic. I'm grateful this isn't my first pregnancy because I would definitely have felt much more anxious then. This must be a stressful time to be expecting your first baby, the news is full of fear and official advice keeps changing so it feels like hard work keeping up with what is safe to do during pregnancy. First pregnancies are daunting enough without a global health crisis. 

Pre-pandemic, I was doing really well at staying calm and focusing on the pregnancy. I was walking every day, I had reduced the amount I was working, and I was just trying to stay on top of general life to avoid stress. It felt like I had found a good rhythm. That rhythm is no more. And there's little chance of avoiding stress when it slaps me straight in the face every time I glance at my phone. 

Schools have closed now (you knew that right) which means I've got Ebony and Ember at home with me all day. I'm enjoying it, having them home is lovely, but it's disrupted my routine. I can't work in the week anymore (but you're blogging now, couldn't you just work instead? Ssssh), which means I'm going to have to cram all of my work into the weekend. 

And my morning walks with hypnobirthing audiobooks look a little different now. I have to get up early and Ebony comes with me and she makes me play A-Z of Harry Potter character names pretty much the whole way. It's lovely, but it's not a chance to focus on the birth. And Ebony gets a stitch every morning even though we walk at a snail pace.  

The baby is due in June, and I think it's likely the schools will stay closed until September. So, there will be no time to properly prepare for the birth or listen to my hypnobirthing, and I will probably spend my due date asking the kids not to argue. It's fine, it's just not what I imagined. 

I'm unsure how this is all going to impact on the birth. Lots of trusts are pausing home birth services because of staffing issues or pressure on the ambulance service. As of yet, Stockport is still offering home births and are expecting an increase in demand thanks to coronavirus, but who knows what will be happening in another 11 weeks time. Will we be at the peak of the virus then? If so, a home birth could be out of the question. That fills me with dread so I'm trying to push it out of my head for the time being. 

Then there's the question of how this will affect things after the baby is born. Will vulnerable people still be self-isolating at home? The thought of my parents not meeting their new grandchild is truly awful to me. But again, there is no point worrying about that for now, because it's impossible to predict how things will be in three months. 

For the time being, I'm just trying to take it easy. I'm trying not to get stressed out (easier said than done). I'm going for my morning walk with Ebony, and other than that I am keeping my feet firmly planted at home. I haven't been to a shop in weeks, and I'm fake coughing every time somebody breaks the 2-metre rule on my walks (they move pretty sharpish if you do this). I'm trying to find time to relax every day (much-needed after all the bickering). I'm continuing to eat well and avoid sugary foods. 

I'm trying to focus on the fact that a lot of this is out of my control. All I can do is my best. I want this to be a period of time the kids look back on fondly, I want them to remember the long summer we spent at home together, hiding from the world. I don't want them to remember it as the summer they spent with a heavily pregnant woman who had daily breakdowns. 

Pregnancy Update: 26 Weeks

At 26 weeks, the baby is the size of a bowling pin. That doesn't sound too bad, does it? Bowling pins are streamlined and quite narrow. Why must we end up with bowling balls to birth by the end of pregnancy?! 

This week has flown by in a haze of poorly kids and bad weather. Ember was off school on Friday with a temperature. She spent the whole day asleep on me, which was no good for my pelvis or back, and then woke up at 3pm completely fine. 

On Saturday, we met some friends for a woodland walk. I like woodland walks, but my hips do not. The ground was muddy and there was a lot of uneven paths involved in the (very short) walk (which took ages because of all the children). I spent about half an hour perched on a stone slab which the kids played in a river, and my hips did not thank me for. I was fine on the walk, but decided to go home another way to avoid the uneven ground. Then I had a long bath, because that is pretty much all I do now. 

I spent most of Sunday working. I have a birth ball in my office, so I'm supposed to sit on that, but it's actually too tall and it's hard to write when sitting on it. So I spent the day on my office chair, instead. By the time Laurie and the kids got home, I was walking weird and it felt as though my pelvis had completely given up. But it was fine after... (all together now) a bath. 

Ebony was off school yesterday so we went for a short walk together after dropping Ember at nursery. We spent the day watching movies and it was lovely. Today, both kids are back in school, so I've been doing a little work. I was supposed to go for a walk this morning but the sound of the rain this morning put me off. Also, Tuesday's I am back and forth to school, nursery and drama so I will easily do my 10,000 steps without having to go for a special walk. 

I've been listening to my hypnobirthing book on Audible. For some reason, they chose a man to narrate it which is really annoying. I do not want to take my hypnobirthing advice from a man, thank you very much. And he does not have a very soothing voice. 

I have successfully completed another week of my low glycemic diet, so I've been eating it for three weeks now. I feel good and have plenty of energy to get me through the day. Our local Sainsbury's has run out of sourdough though today, so I feel I am in for a terrible day. I couldn't give bread up completely, so I switched to sourdough which is low on the glycemic index (or so Google tells me). We even made pizza with a gram flour base. It was more like a pancake, Ebony was horrified, I probably won't make it again, but it was a nice change from curries and roasted veg. It was not a pizza though. 

If you want to read more about my pelvis (why wouldn't you?), read last week's update here.

Photo by Brad Preece on Unsplash

Pregnancy Update: 25 Weeks

People keep telling me I've popped now. I'm pretty sure that's code for holy shit that must be a massive baby in there. Luckily, nobody has said 'you can't have long to go now' to me because I think that is the worst. People were saying that to me from early on with Ember (who was the size of an adult elephant at birth). 

I didn't attend my Oral Glucose Tolerance Test on Friday (the midwife cancelled it for me, I didn't waste £150 of NHS money by being a no-show, calm down). I still feel this was the right choice to make (you can read about it in last week's posts, Pregnancy Update: 24 Weeks). I've been eating a low glycemic diet, which means plenty of home-cooked whole foods. I've been eating really well so I'm feeling good about that. And I haven't felt bothered by it, it's only for the next four months or so, then I will be mainlining Jokerz like there's no tomorrow (Jokerz are the vegan equivalent to Snickers and they are excellent but pricey). 

I went to watch Ebony perform in a show on Friday night and this proved too much for my pelvis. Those tiny uncomfortable chairs were no good for me and, by the end of the night, I was in pain. The pain persisted for the rest of the weekend which was no fun whatsoever. I spent Sunday sorting out the house which probably worsened things, and the effort didn't pay off because it's now Tuesday and my house looks like a rubbish tip. 

I'm going to try and go for more walks this month. I think I only managed nine last months thanks to half-term and All The Storms. I find I am much too good at talking myself out of going. I didn't go on Sunday because I convinced myself to tidy up, instead. And I really didn't want to go yesterday but I did eventually manage to force myself out of the door (although Laurie saw me leaving the house and said I looked angry the whole way down the street). I had the nicest walk yesterday. The sun was shining and the paths were dry (ish) so I walked down the canal which I haven't done it ages. All the ducks are back, too, so spring must be on the way. This morning, however, it rained my whole walk so I got home drenched and miserable after stomping next to traffic the whole time. Canals need all-weather walkways, this would be so much nicer. 

More sunshine, please.

Photo by Gary Bendig on Unsplash

Pregnancy Update: 24 Weeks

Week 24 has been all about gestational diabetes for me. I don't have it, or not that I know of anyway, but I had an appointment for the Oral Glucose Tolerance Test (OGTT) coming up so it was on my mind. After having one perfect home birth and one imperfect hospital birth, I'm keen to try and avoid all things medical this time, if I can. 

The only risk factor I have for gestational diabetes is Ember's eye-watering birth weight. Yes, she was massive (the size of a large elephant), but she was also very late (17 days, don't you know). If she'd been born on time (wouldn't that have been nice), she would have been under the weight limit and I wouldn't need the glucose tolerance test at all. It all felt kind of arbitrary, and I've been obsessing over it for weeks.

AIMS (Association for Improvements in the Maternity Services) have a book about gestational diabetes which I was keen to read before making up my mind. I like to research. The lovely doulas from Greater Manchester Doulas very kindly leant me a copy of the book so I could make an informed choice. I found the book really helpful and it gave me the confidence to discuss the test with my midwife at my 24-week appointment. 

By this point, I'd already decided I was probably going to decline the test (unless my wonderful midwife managed to convince me otherwise). From my research, I'd already figured out that a gestational diabetes diagnosis would make everyone panic that was my baby was going to be huge. [Spoiler: it probably is. I think I just make big babies.] I'd then be offered growth scans and possibly an induction, both of which I would refuse, so really, what was the point in the test? 

At my appointment, I mentioned to the midwife that I was thinking of cancelling the test. She smiled wryly like she had perhaps been expecting me to say this. She said that if glucose showed up in my urine test at my appointments then I should have it, and I was happy to agree to that. 

In the meantime, I've decided to eat a low glycemic diet so that even if I did have gestational diabetes (which I don't), my blood sugars would be regulated. So, for the rest of the pregnancy, I'll be eating a vegan low glycemic diet. This means no sugar, no white bread, no pasta, no white rice. Basically, all of the best foods are off-limits. I'm ok with this though. Even on Pancake Day which I truly feel shows my commitment to the cause. 

My 24-week appointment fell in half-term so I took the kids with me. Ember told the midwife all about the giant pond in our garden (it was a lawn, it's now a puddle) and how she'd just finished her last piece of Christmas chocolate. And she suggested that maybe the baby would come out that day and then seemed disappointed when the midwife said not. It took the midwife a while to find the heartbeat (always terrifying) and Ember suggested that perhaps that was because the baby didn't really like the midwife. 

I spent most of my 24th week of pregnancy in a bad mood in the bath. It's possible I am hormonal, or hungry. I couldn't go walking all week because of half-term and I don't think this helped. When I did finally get to go after a week off, my pelvis was not happy. I think the key is to never stop walking and then it's ok. I will be making this my mantra for the rest of the pregnancy. 

If you missed last week's update, find it at Pregnancy Update: 23 Weeks.

Pregnancy Update: 23 Weeks

Week 23 has been tiring, but I think that's probably more to do with life than pregnancy. Laurie had an assignment due in for his masters so he has been working on that every spare minute. This is, of course, totally FINE. And, even better, there's another one due in two weeks time so there will be no rest for the wicked. You probably think Laurie is the wicked because he is trapped writing essays, but no, I am the wicked because I am pregnant and tired and really would love to not do ALL of the childcare and house stuff. 

I took the kids down to London for a day over the school holidays. We went with my family and visited the Tutankhamen Exhibition at the Saatchi Gallery. If you're worried about seeing the exhibition in London and it not feeling very Egyptian, fear not, because they have made the Saatchi Gallery approximately 50 degrees inside so you can really appreciate that exotic experience (but with your coat on, so, even better). Ebony really enjoyed it because she's been learning about the Egyptians at school. Ember really didn't because 1) she hasn't 2) she doesn't like to stand in a line for three hours and 3) she doesn't like London. She concluded our expensive day out by explaining that she just likes Romiley and will be staying home in the future, not going to London. 

After London, we went to Bedford to celebrate my Grannys' 100th birthday. Then we drove all the way home and had to keep stopping so I could pee. Pregnancy is really not suited to long journeys. 

Pregnancy-wise, this week has been pretty non-descript. The baby has started punching or kicking me in the bladder without warning so this is lots of fun, especially on long car journeys. I have felt tired and heavy and like I have the back of a 100-year-old. I have spent a lot of time in the bath and have given up picking things up off the floor. If they fall, they're gone now. I will retrieve them in June. 

If you missed my 22 weeks update, you can find it here.

Pregnancy Update: 22 Weeks

Now I'm 22 weeks, I finally feel safe thinking of myself as halfway through. Ember was born at 42+3 (you can read about that here), so 20 weeks really isn't halfway through to me. Obviously, I'm hoping this baby will arrive promptly, the thought of going overdue again is quite horrifying. You don't know waiting until you've gone overdue. 

Week 22 has felt pretty uncomfortable if I'm honest. I think I'm getting to that stretching stage of pregnancy where your bump hurts for no apparent reason. I've spent a few evenings in the bath trying to ease my stretched ligaments. In my last update, I said that I'd run out of bath bombs and the very next day some arrived anonymously in the post. I have no idea who sent them but I cried when I opened the parcel, what a lovely thing to do. So I have been working my way through the thoughtful bath stuff and getting plenty of early nights.

I do not cope well with lack of sleep generally, but it's definitely worse during pregnancy. I am going to bed at the same time as the kids most nights, reading for a little bit (ok, sometimes a lot) and then trying to get as much sleep as possible. But, also, I have to pee approximately 8,000 times a night so the amount of sleep I get is limited. Like, last night, I was in bed for 12 hours and I got 7.5 hours of sleep (which I realise is pretty damn good). I worry that all this time lying down will not help with the baby's position. 

I've been going on lots of walks and trying to stay active. I go most days after dropping the kids at school in the morning, which gets it out of the way and is a good way to start the day. I decided to not go during the storm though because the thought of getting hailed on really didn't appeal to me. I've also been trying to sort the house out, and moving furniture and mopping even though I know I shouldn't. I do pay for it later in the day, but it's nothing a bath won't ease. And if I was waiting for Laurie to do these jobs then they wouldn't get done because he is currently spending all of his spare time working on an assignment for his masters. My top life tip would be not to do a masters when you have a grumpy pregnant wife.

I like the second trimester a lot. I am enjoying the break in symptoms, I did not like the first trimester at all. I do dread the third though, it's so slow and you're so heavy. 

You can read last week's pregnancy update here.

Pregnancy Update: 21 Weeks

The weeks are going so fast, it's almost hard to differentiate between them. With being in a school routine, all the weeks kind of seem to melt into one. I have definitely noticed some pregnancy changes this week, however.

A week ago today, when I was 20+6, I had my 20-week anomaly scan at the hospital. I really wanted to take the kids with us but decided not to, in the end. I knew they'd love seeing the baby, but you can't predict how these are things are going to go, can you? 

The sonographer was training a student during the scan, so she was going through everything she saw on the screen and explaining how to figure out which way to move the transducer to find the right shots of the baby. It's all about the angles, apparently. At one point, she found the feet and then turned the wand and two little footprints (kind of) appeared on the screen, which was sweet. 

At the start of the scan, I was too scared to look at the screen in case she accidentally zoomed in on the baby's sex. I really didn't want to know. At one point, I thought I saw a burger on the screen and I thought the surprise was ruined, but then she told her student it was the heart or kidney or something. This was when I realised a career in sonography is probably not for me. Clearly, I do not have the necessary attention to detail. 

The baby was moving for most of the scan, the sonographer struggled to get a face shot because the baby was facing towards my feet. It was nice to see the baby move on the screen, I have an anterior placenta so I can't always feel so many movements throughout the day (which is not reassuring). 

The baby's movements are getting bigger and more noticeable, but I only feel them when I'm lying down still. With my other pregnancies, I've been able to feel more frequent movements. Anterior placentas suck. Ebony has felt the baby kicking a couple of times, and quite often asks me if the baby is awake to see if she can have another feel when I'm lying in bed. Ember pretends she can feel it too but I would bet my life savings (approximately nothing) that she can't. And she says things like, "The baby tried to hurt me. The baby isn't being kind to me. The baby is being a bit spicy today." So her as an older sister is clearly going to be fun. I fear she may be a bit of a spicy sibling, whatever that means.

My SPD or PGP or shit hips or whatever you want to call it is feeling a lot better at the moment. I'm not sure whether that's because my hormones are under control or because I've finally cracked pregnancy, but it's nice not feeling in pain so much. On days when it does play up, I have been having baths which I think helps. Although, I have now run out of Christmas bath bombs which feels terribly cruel when there are so many weeks of pregnancy left. I've been listening to my hypnobirthing affirmations in the bath which is relaxing.

I had a cold over the weekend and felt really rubbish, but I mostly stayed in bed or in the bath and now I feel human again. Laurie was poorly too so the kids didn't have the most exciting of weekends. Although, he did take them on a big bike ride on Saturday which there's no way I could have done (which I think is proof that I was the illest). 

If you missed my 20 weeks pregnancy update, you can catch up here.

Pregnancy Update: 20 Weeks

These weeks are passing scarily fast now. The first trimester is so slow, as though time actually isn't moving, and then life speeds up for the rest of the pregnancy. At 20 weeks, the baby is the size of a paper aeroplane, according to the Ovia Pregnancy App.

This week, I have mostly struggled to stay awake. My sister came round one evening so I stayed up till half-past ten (wild, I know) and I paid for it the next day. I seem to need a lot of sleep at the moment. It takes ages for me to get comfy in bed, and I keep waking up to pee. It doesn't help that there is a three-year-old squished up against me for half of the night. 

On Saturday, my parents came and watched the girls so that Laurie and I could escape to the cinema. It was nice to spend some time together. It doesn't feel like we've seen each other much lately, probably because I've been sleeping so much. We went to see The Personal History of David Copperfield which I loved. I had to pee twice during the film though, I think this baby is sat on my bladder. Then we went to Hillgate Cakery, the vegan cake shop in Stockport, and I had some chocolate fudge cake which was amazing. And hot chocolate. And then I worried about the gestational diabetes test I'm due to have next month. They want me to have it because Ember was such a big baby at birth. 

I've been trying to walk lots. After I drop the kids off at school and nursery, I do a 5km loop before going home. I looked for a pilates class but they're all in the afternoons or evenings when I either have Ember or will definitely be asleep. I don't know if it's the number of children I have or my age making me feel so sleepy, but the thought of going to pilates at 8:30pm is laughable to me. 

I'm due to have my 20-week scan tomorrow. Last time, we took Ebony and she held my hand throughout. This time, we've decided not to take the girls with us. I think I'm more nervous than I was last time, and I felt pretty nervous then. I do wish they could be there though. My next midwife appointment is during half-term so they'll be coming to that with me. 

Yesterday, Laurie went into the loft and brought down the rest of my maternity clothes. Despite assuring me they were already down, he had, in fact, left two bags up there, so I'm glad to finally have some clothes that fit me. It will be nice to not worry about accidentally flashing anyone my giant stomach. And I finally have my maternity pyjamas which are truly the comfiest thing ever. 

If you missed my 19 weeks pregnancy update, you can catch up here.

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Pregnancy Update: 19 Weeks

The baby is apparently the size of a Game Boy now, though I fear it may actually be the size of one of those giant early computers that took up a whole room. Certainly, I am the size of a room now.

I can't decide if the pregnancy is going fast or slow. Some weeks seem to fly by and others it seems like time is standing still. I don't feel like I am very productive at the moment, I keep setting myself a list of things to do each week and then the week is over and I haven't done then. I don't know whether to blame pregnancy or January, but whatever it is, I hope it passes soon.

I have felt huge this week. All of a sudden, my coat seems to be straining over my bump. I am sure I am too big for 19 weeks, which isn't exactly reassuring for a big-baby-maker such as myself. I am trying to ignore it and focus on the fact that it's too late to worry about whether this baby will be huge or not. It's going to have to come out one way or another. 

I've done lots of walking this week. I've started going straight from school drop off in the morning. I should really be coming home to work, but then I can't go walking until the evening and by then I'm usually too exhausted to leave the house. So, I've been walking each morning and ignoring the fact that I should really be trying to earn money. I do a 5 km loop around my local area. I've been listening to Your Baby, Your Birth by Hollie de Cruz (this is an affiliate link). It's a hypnobirthing book that I'm hoping will prepare me for the birth. It's nice taking a little time out of each day to focus on the pregnancy and de-stress. 

I had SPD in both my previous pregnancies. It was worst with Ebony, but with Ember I was able to control it. This time, I think it's somewhere in the middle so far. I've found it more uncomfortable than last time, but I at least know what I'm doing now so I can keep it in check. I think walking helps, so I've been trying to exercise regularly. It was particularly bad one night last week, so I did a pregnancy yoga tutorial from YouTube. Ember did it with me, and I felt so much better afterwards. 

In general, it just feels like I've been kicked hard in the crotch. It's not pleasant, but it's also not awful. I sleep with a pillow between my knees, and try to take care not to sit funny or unbalance myself throughout the day. If I do too much, the pain spreads to my lower back and that is particularly uncomfortable but I've found a warm water bottle helps to ease the discomfort. 

Other than the SPD, I don't think I'm having much in the way of symptoms at the moment. I feel exhausted all the time, but I'm not sure that's anything new. I've been going to bed really early and reading for an hour or two before bed, but I still don't feel like I'm getting enough sleep. 

I have an anterior placenta so this baby doesn't seem to be as wriggly as my other two. I can't help many movements throughout the day, though I do feel them when I lie down in bed at the end of the day. I'm hoping that the movements will be more obvious as the baby gets bigger (but not too big) because I find it quite worrying not being able to feel many movements. I am used to wriggly babies. I do not like having an anterior placenta so far, if it ends in back to back labour then this will be even worse.

Missed my first trimester update? Catch up here.

Photo by Museums Victoria on Unsplash

Pregnancy Update: First Trimester

It feels weird to be writing pregnancy updates again. Three is a lot of children. I haven't written weekly updates so far, though I'm hoping I will from now on. The first trimester was a blur of puking and sleeping and feeling generally awful, so I was in no mood to write. 

We didn't tell many people about the pregnancy during the first trimester. We'd decided not to tell the kids until after the scan, so I didn't want too many other people knowing. It would be so awful if they heard the news from somebody else. I basically only told people I had to, and other than that, I kept it secret. 

Last time, we told everybody really early, so it was nice to keep it to ourselves for longer this time. The first trimester passed slowly, but I think that was more to do with the symptoms than the secrecy. The first trimester is the worst. I was throwing up a lot, but I felt nauseous all day long. I would have momentary relief after throwing up, but then nausea would return. There was a constant bad taste in my mouth, too. 

I found that I wasn't eating much (truly, the most out of character thing ever) because everything made me feel sick. Before the pregnancy, I was eating the best I had in years. No snacks or crap, and plenty of fresh vegetables and fruit. I was taking probiotics and eating kimchi, sauerkraut and (vegan) yoghurt every day to try and build up some healthy gut bacteria. Once nausea started, I ate only beige foods or no foods. Chips and vegannaise was a popular lunch option (Follow Your Heart vegannaise is the best vegan mayo and I won't hear a word against it). 

The smell of all food was making me heave. The kids' diets were severely lacking in this time because cooking anything felt impossible. They ate a lot of oven food and often ended up waiting until Laurie got home so he could cook them something nutritious. Laurie's meals are 70% garlic so then the whole of the downstairs would smell of garlic and I would spend my evenings in my room bitching about the smell. Garlic is truly the worst smell when you are nauseous. 

Nausea aside, I also felt exhausted. I had to cancel so many plans due to tiredness (I even had to pass up seeing Suzi Ruffell which was a particularly low point for me). I was completely lacking in energy (beige food is no good for my energy levels) and so spent most of the first trimester either asleep in bed or moaning on the sofa. I did as little as possible because I had less than no energy. The house reached new lows in terms of tidiness and homeliness. Laurie looked like a walking breakdown because he was having to come home early to feed the kids and get them to bed, then desperately trying to catch up on his work in the evenings(/early hours). 

I think it's safe to say we were both relieved when the first trimester symptoms disappeared.  Although I am still very much not ok with the smell of garlic. Don't even think about eating garlic and then breathing on me. 

Reinstating Old Habits for 2020

Welcome to January, the month when dormant bloggers come out to state their intentions to rejoin the land of blog. You may have guessed that I am one of them. I have completely abandoned this blog in recent months (years), though it wasn't a deliberate decision. Having two children is way more time consuming than having one. Who knew. At first, I struggled to find the time, then I struggled to find the brainpower and, finally, I struggled to find the confidence. 

The truth is, I miss it. I am so glad that I have this record of my life as a mother. In truth, I wish I'd started it sooner. I wish I'd written down my thoughts and experiences throughout my whole life. I realise most people do this in a private diary and perhaps there is something strange about putting it all out there for the world to see. When I became a mum, I read so many blogs and I loved knowing that there were other people out there who felt the way I did about motherhood, parenting and the world. 

Lately, I've been re-visiting my old pregnancy blog posts. I wrote weekly updates the whole way through my second pregnancy and I have been reading them to compare this time (oh yes, I am pregnant). It's so nice being able to look back and see that I felt similar (or not) back then. Pregnancy and motherhood are such life-changing events, and at the time you think you'll never forget them, but in truth you do. The memories fade and your recollections get muddled and all of a sudden you can't remember which child did what when. 

This blog has let me keep hold of my memories. It has secured them in time so that I will always be able to find them. They won't fade or disappear, though the bad grammar and terrible writing will make me weep on particularly hormonal days. 

I am 18 weeks pregnant and I haven't really been keeping track of my symptoms. I'm going to start writing a weekly update like I did last time. Partly because the weeks are flying by and I'm not sure this baby is getting much of my attention, maybe carving out some space here will help with that. And hopefully, it will help me find my writing mojo again because that has been severely lacking in recent months. 

This is probably the most interesting of my life plans for 2020 (apart from having a baby obviously). Other than this, I am mostly trying to be more organised and live in less chaos and read more books. But these are my plans every year and I rarely achieve them. I did read more last year but only in the first half of the year, I'm not sure what went wrong after that. Hopefully this year I will manage to achieve all of my goals.