- Your baby’s bald head will be the first thing friends and family mention each and every time you see them
You won’t get asked how you’re feeling anymore, people will simply stop to comment on your child’s baldness. “Oooh, it’s starting to grow,” they will say, even when it definitely isn’t.
- This will happen so much that your baby’s first word will be ‘growing’
My daughter went through a phase (that lasted one whole year) of, each time someone said hello to her, grabbing her tiny tuft of hair and proudly exclaiming that it was growing (even though it definitely wasn’t).
- You will spend most of the day correcting people who refer to your daughter as a boy
It’s highly likely that you will have to quit your job to take up the (unpaid) full time position of correcting strangers as to which genitals your child has. And, no matter how many times you tell them, they will continue to use 1950s terms of endearment such as ‘chap’ and ‘sonny’.
- You will pray every night for the mullet to come back into fashion
Your heart will skip a beat each time you see a tweet about a new celebrity haircut. And won’t be able to hide your disappointment when you discover that the Kardashians have not ditched the hair extensions in favour of the skullet your baby is currently rocking.
- You have a ready-made group of friends in the form of every other bald baby’s mother
The sisterhood sticks together in the shiny face of infantile baldness. Imagine the scene, you’re sitting at playgroup enjoying a cup of tea and glance up to locate your baby. As your eyes search for the glare of sunlight bouncing off your baby’s lack of barnett, you are momentarily blinded by the rays projected from a slap head only to realise that that is not your baby’s beloved scalp you can see. There is another skullet in the building! You make it your mission to find the other bald baby’s mother, become her bestest friend, and together start a letter writing campaign to all the big babywear brands asking them to use more mullet-wielding girl models in their advertising campaigns.
- Nothing in life mocks you more than the adorable bottle of sweet smelling baby shampoo you were given as a baby shower gift
It just sits there in the bathroom, gathering dust yet looking hopeful each and every time you go to wash your baby’s head. This hope soon turns to disappointment as you reach of the wax instead, to perfect that delicious sheen that really draws attention to your baby’s seemingly endless supply of cradle cap.
- Elderly relatives will ask you WHY your daughter is bald, as though you are somehow failing her by providing an insufficient diet, lack of sunlight or just generally rubbing her head too much...
They will probably even suggest a trip to the doctor to help solve the mystery of the baldest baby that ever lived (thanks for that, Nanny).
- ... you will laugh it off, feel secretly outraged and then spend all night Googling variations of “vitamin deficiency bald baby”
It’s fine, Google will just reassure you that you haven’t done anything wrong. Well, aside from pass on terrible genes to your child, or select a mate who has.
- No matter how many bows, dresses and vagina hats you put on your baby, people will still comment on what a gorgeous little boy he is
When strangers have gone out of their way to tell your daughter what a handsome young man she is, it can feel a little awkward to correct them, which brings us nicely onto the next point.
- Sometimes you’ll just pretend she’s a boy
The twentieth correction of the day can feel like one too many, and at some point you will lose the will to keep telling people that your child was born with a vagina. You will start referring to your baby as a he, and will probably have a boy’s name you whip out of special occasions. Max, or something.
- You will want to punch people when they try to reassure you about the bald
“Oh, don’t worry. My sister had hair like that, she was completely bald until she was 15.” No-one has ever felt better when hearing the news that bald baby syndrome can actually last for years (basically, eternity).
- You will be publicly outraged at the idea of baby wigs
But will secretly consider buying one and then moving to a new area where nobody knows that your baby is a baldie.
- You will feel enraged at the sight of little girls with french plaits tied with ribbons
Especially when those braided babies are half the age of your be-mulleted daughter who refuses to wear clips and headbands (and is still refusing to grow actual hair).
- There will be many, many false alarms
On more than one occasion you will think that your daughter’s hair is starting to grow. You will crack open the prosecco, invest a small fortune in brightly coloured hair clips, and buy a matching brush and comb set, only to discover that no, it is not growing. Just the rat tail at the back is growing, the rest is most definitely still not there.
- You will cry actual tears of joy the first time you untangle a knot in your baby’s hair
She will probably be 17 by this point but you will still cherish the moment.
- The first time you pull her hair back into a ponytail will be the best moment of your life
I assume. I wouldn’t know for sure, because my daughter is only Three Years Old so is still rocking a mullet.
- You will hope above all else that your next baby has hair