Wednesday 2 December 2015

Pregnancy Update: Week 4

It’s only been a couple of days since I wrote the week 3 update, so it feels a bit weird to be writing pregnancy update week 4 already, but I suppose this is what happens when you get a positive pregnancy test result in week 3.

I still don’t feel pregnant. In fact, I’m feeling pretty terrified that this might all turn out to be some kind of mistake. Maybe it’s a false positive or a dodgy test and soon my period will start as normal, says the quiet whispering doubt in my mind.

I’ve been feeling nauseous, but I’m a bit under the weather. I have a bad cough and for some reason and that seems to be making me gag. Attractive, I know. Laurie is feeling nauseous too and I’m pretty sure that’s not pregnancy related so I think perhaps I’m just ill. I am feeling quite emotional, however, everything seems to be making me cry at the moment. The little girl crying for her dead mama in Mockingjay Part 2 nearly ended me in the cinema yesterday.

It’s quite nice having a secret. I’ve told my best friend but other than her, nobody knows. I keep finding myself smiling as I walk down the street, I just feel so excited to have a little life growing inside me again. It’s weird, isn’t it? Everything seems completely normal, I don’t even feel pregnant and yet my body is busy creating a baby. Or, you know, the test was wrong.

I’ve started thinking about practical things now. When we’ll tell Ebony, what we need to buy, whether there’s anything we need to do around the house before the baby arrives. One of my major concerns is that keeping the pregnancy secret is probably going to be impossible thanks to Christmas. When you love wine as much as I do, it’s pretty difficult to get through the festive period sober without raising suspicion. I think we’ll probably end up having to tell people early, but it’s just a matter of working out when is best to do that. It seems a bit weird to tell people with a scan photo, what will we present to people?!

I had my first pregnancy anxiety dream last night, I was really hoping I might not get those the second time. Surely I have the confidence to keep a few worrisome dreams at bay? Apparently not. When I was pregnant with Ebony, I had a recurring dream that I couldn’t feed her and she would grow smaller and smaller. I’m hoping I won’t have that one this time, because I’ve already conquered the world of breastfeeding before. Though I must admit I’ve already started to dread the first few painful weeks of breastfeeding. Does that happen again with a second? I want to say that I know what I’m doing and it won’t be a problem, but those early days of parenting are incredibly hazy in my mind these days.

I’m hoping that by the time I write my next update, I’ll have some pregnancy symptoms to report. Though obviously I’ll regret that immediately because pregnancy symptoms are the worst.

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