Tuesday 16 October 2012

For Fox Sake

Foxes carry out vital work, and yet are rather under appreciated in modern society. It seems foxes are too humble, or perhaps lack the opposable thumbs necessary, to blow their own horns, so I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank foxes.

I have been aided by foxes since I was just a wee girl of eight. Over the past eighteen years, foxes have saved me hours and hours of my precious time. You’re probably wondering how that bushy tailed fellow managed to make easier the life of an eight year old girl.
Even now, at my wise old age, it can be difficult to tell which people are nice and which are not. There’s no point wasting time on those who are not, so it’s something which must be ascertained as soon as possible, to save wasted niceties. As a naive child, peeking at the world through the rose-tinted glasses of youth, I assumed that all people were kindness dipped in niceness with sprinkles of loveliness wrapped in sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. In short, I was a tit. I had no idea that most people were actually the rotting corpse of satan, festering away to reveal hideous cruelty being eating by parasitic evil.
Foxes changed that. I found out about fox hunting, and from then on I could easily distinguish the good people from the not good people. As I saw it as an eight year old, and as I still see it now, bad people support fox hunting. Bad people support the inhumane killing of foxes for ‘sport’. And good people don’t.
Since acquiring this information, I have saved myself hours of wasted small talk. If I see a car sporting a Countryside Alliance sticker, I know not to bother befriending the driver. He’s a douchebag. On my boxing day walk, I know not to stop and chat with the horn-carrying man atop a horse; he’s definitely not my kind of people.
Foxes have saved me a lot of time, and for that I am thankful. I have often wondered why this aspect of their work is overlooked. Have the rest of the public not noticed all the free time they have for hobbies? It is the foxes who have made this possible.
Maybe you don’t appreciate it because you don’t think it’s a big deal, but wait till you hear what foxes are doing now. Not content with serving the people of Britain by time saving, they have extended their duties, rather impressively, to include child safety drills.
In a Delta Force style operation, foxes around the country have secretly joined forces to protect the children of Britain. Just like with the actual Delta Force, there is no proof that it (Delta Fox?) actually exists, but I am certain it does. There is no paper trail, no formal payments are made to the foxes in exchange for their services, and you’ll never see a representative from Delta Fox on the news, but they’re there, working diligently across the back streets of Britain, protecting our children.
Protecting our children from what? From us. From parents who make silly mistakes that could, potentially maybe possibly, endanger our children. From the parents who feel too warm on a summer’s eve and decide to let some cool air into the house throughout the night. Not from an upstairs window, but by leaving a back door open.
Anyone could walk in through that door, sneaking quietly around the home housing sleeping children. From their watchtowers, the foxes see these mistakes being made, and they know it is only a short amount of time before an undesirable and uninvited person creeps into that house. This is when Delta Fox kicks in, they send an agent into the house. It is a thankless task, there is a good chance that agent will not return safely. The fox enters the house and thus forces the unsuspecting parents to realise that they have made an error of judgement in leaving the back door open.
The foxes, thankfully, were there to protect a family in South London just this week. The father had gone outside to sort out the bins. Did he shut the door behind him? No, of course not. He left it open, as one would now that the nights are cold. After all, who doesn’t love a gust of sub-zero wind, and an eclipse of moths, stealing through their home on an October night? Delta Fox noticed this mistake within seconds and sent an Agent whose only job was to highlight this mistake by entering the property, which he did. The father soon realised, and the fox left safe in the knowledge that another child had been protected.
But what Delta Fox had not accounted for, was that some people will use almost any excuse to use the word ‘cull’. Instead of the father realising that it could have beenanyone walking through the open door that night, he decided that the fox posed a very real risk to his family, and has since spoken out in the media to call for a cull of foxes.
To call for the killing of an animal because they simply walked through a door you left open, is beyond idiotic. Who’s with me in calling for a cull of idiots?

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