Thursday 28 June 2012

Why I'm Not Committing Child Abuse

So, Tom Parker Bowles has peed me off this morning. Who? Exactly. Apparently he’s Camilla’s son. Camilla is the wealthy Royal who was poked with a stick during the student protests in 2010.
I’ll pause for a moment so you can finish laughing at that memory.
You need another few seconds to quickly Google the paprazzi photo of her looking surprised while being jabbed with the stick? No problem, go for it.

Ok, all done? Good. Well anyway, it seems one day Camilla birthed a boy and named him Tom. Tom grew up to be an absolute moron, and such the British media gave him a column and many TV appearances so that he could irritate the rest of us full-time.
Tom is a foodie. This doesn’t just mean he eats food, no because we all do that so then he wouldn’t be special. Being a foodie is about the kind of food you eat. Basically, foodies follow one very simple food. When served a meal, they look at it and ask themselves “How much suffering has gone into this food?”
If the answer is “Not much,” then the foodie will not eat. You or I might eat it, that’s why we are not foodies. We are normalies.
A foodie will instead ask for the dish that entails the most suffering because this means it tastes nicer, apparently. Foie Gras is a favourite. Tom Parker Bowles love fois gras. In fact, pretty much any cretinous excuse for a person will love this delicacy. What is it? It’s engorged duck liver. How do they create such a tasty sounding morsel? They stuff feeding tubes down the necks of ducks (and sometimes geese) and pour shit loads of food down. The tube goes directly into the stomach, and vast quantities of food is pumped into them two or three times a day. Their livers quite obviously end up huge and filled with fat. To me this sounds like the most horrific torture and animal cruelty, to Tom Parker Bowles this sounds appetising.
So as you can tell, the man is an absolute (at this point I am trying very hard not use the c word because my Mum will tell me off if I do...) toff. Actually though, his love of foie gras isn’t even what has annoyed me. Although I do feel it is important to set the scene and get you all on my side, because clearly the man is a cold hearted animal abuser.
The other day, Tom Parker Bowles was doing a cooking segment on This Morning. Because he is a foodie, remember? During the segment he talked about how good butter is for you.
Clearly, the man is a moron. Even my Dad, a life long butter enthusiast, can now admit (without crying) that butter is probably not that healthy for you. In fact, it clogs your arteries. It’s animal fat which is just not good for you. I mean, it’s one thing this foodie talking about how tasty butter is, but claiming it’s healthy when it’s not is just stupid. 
He then went on to say that raising a child on a vegan diet was child abuse. I’m almost certain he did this purely to get a mention in the Daily Mail, which he did. Because the Daily Mail love a story to annoy the vegans, but then they also love stories about how awful animal abuse is so maybe they should just picking a fricking side already?
Anyway, so he said I am committing child abuse. Which I’m not. And he can sod off.
I went vegan for animal rights reasons, because I just did not want to be a part of the cruelty anymore. And to be honest, when I went vegan I wouldn’t have cared if it was a less healthy diet because I would have seen it is as worth it to not be causing suffering to animals. But, over the past five years I have learnt a lot about food and how it affects us. I have read lots about nutrition, and diet, and cancer risk, and obesity and heart disease, and it is pretty obvious that a vegan diet is actually the healthier option.
If scientists turned round tomorrow and proved that animals in fact don’t feel pain, they’re basically carrots that move. And so you could eat any animal you wanted without worrying about suffering, I still wouldn’t eat it because it’s bad for you. Just the thought of eating cheese or bacon, or some other food that is going to clog up my arteries and rot inside my intestines for months, makes me want to vom.
My doctor has no concerns about me raising a vegan baby, and even my health visitor (who is, by all accounts, an idiot) seemed happy with my choice. So, Tom Parker BOWELS you can shut up. I think it is much more hideous to raise children on a diet of engorged duck liver and animal cruelty and I think YOU are the child abuser. Tom Parker Bowles also loves McDonalds. No way on earth is a diet that contains McDonalds Cheeseburgers every going to be healthier than a diet that includes houmous and lentils, you crazy toffy idiot.
Peta had an advertising campaign that claimed feeding your kids meet was child abuse because of the huge health risks involved. People (most notably the Meat and Dairy councils) were outraged and complained to the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA). After much deliberation, the ASA found that because of the health risks involved with eating meat, Peta could argue it was child abuse, and therefore the campaign was allowed to continue.
So take that Tom Parker Bowles, the people at the ASA think you are the child abuser. Not I.
Now you’ll have to excuse me because I have a hungry baby so it’s time to get a get my abuse on.

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