Ebony has been attending the local school nursery for two whole weeks now. In that time, she hasn’t shed a single tear over nursery, she has exhausted me with nursery related chatter and has stained her uniform each and every day. What can I say, the girl loves to paint. Simply put, she loves it. And I love that she loves it, though is it too much to ask for her to at least feign a sadness at our reduction in quality mother-daughter time? I mean, every morning she literally runs the whole way to nursery. Of course, I know this is because she’s excited for her morning, but to the average bystander, it undoubtedly looks very much like she’s running as fast as she can away from me.
Aside from feeling hurt about her unashamed love of being away from me, the mother who gave up everything to stay home and raise her, I’ve been busy letting my standards slip. I knew I wasn’t going to be one of those organised, wide awake mums at the school gates, but I’m actually a little surprised at just how terrible I am at this whole 8:45am thing. Just two weeks in and already I’ve given up on most of my big plans for the academic year, such as:
#1. The dress code
Week 1: Oh my goodness, is that a crumb on the cardigan? This entire uniform must be washed, dried and ironed before I go to bed tonight. Then I will place it neatly on clothes hangers, knickers and all, to await the morning.
Week 2: FFS, is that bright pink paint all down her back? Oh well, at least no-one will see it until she takes her coat off when she gets in there. I’ll just pretend I didn’t see the paint. Or that jam.
#2. The wake up call
Week 1: Christ, this is early. Did I set my alarm wrong? Is this really the time I have to get up FOREVER? Oh well, time to get up and get ready.
Week 2: No, alarm, just no.
#3. Getting ready
Week 1: Oh my, look how adorable she is in that uniform. Even the vest alone makes my heart explode. I must take all the photos. Every single day. And instagram the shit out of them.
Week 2: Oh my god, look how slow she is getting ready! Now we will be even more late. FFS.
Week 1: Only 10 minutes till they open the doors! Oh god, we’re going to be late for our very first day. We must hurry!
Week 2: Great, we’re going to be late again. FML.
#5. The lollipop lady
Week 1: What sort of lollipop lady tells parents off?! Anus. How am I to know I can’t walk behind her?! Busybody. I will never cross with her assistance again!
Week 2: Oh, look, it’s Ebony’s new best friend, the lollipop lady. I shall give her my biggest and bestest smile in the hope she forgets about that time I walked behind her so she won't take her hatred of me out on Ebony.
#6. My day job
Week 1: Look at me! I have three whole hours to work, I’m going to get so much done. I shall fire up my laptop and get started right away. Such a luxury to have all of this time to myself.
Week 2: I am too tired to work. 7:45am is not my friend. I shall make another cup of tea, then I shall continue to check Facebook until pick up time.
#7. Pick up time
Week 1: I need to be there in half an hour, I’d better start preparing now. What sort of snack might she like on the way home? Hmmm, maybe I should take a selection. And her umbrella in case it rains. And my purse so we can stop at the shop on the way home.
Week 2: Oh crap, I’m late. Again.
Week 1: I hope she makes lots of friends. I hope people like her. I hope the other kids are nice to her. I hope no-one is mean.
Week 2: I wish she had fewer friends so that we could actually leave at hometime. Why am I stood here waiting for her to finish applying lipstick with her friends? She’s three.
#9. The book bag
Week 1: Oooh, I wonder if there is anything in the book bag today! This is what being a parent is all about. They send me a secret note which I must decrypt and act on quickly so as to present the treasures (signed slips, whatever) the next morning. I am faster than lighting. I hope I beat all the other parents. Maybe then I’ll get a ‘well done’ sticker.
Week 2: Why does that stupid bag look lumpy? Oh god, how long have these things been in here? Why are they always setting me homework?!
#10. The questions
Week 1: How was your day? Wow, how exciting! What else did you do? Who did you play with?
Week 2: Right, sure, yeah, then the teacher tied all the naughty kids up. Of course. And sent them to prison. Yep. And there were no toys. And the slide had been dismantled. And they wouldn’t let you eat a snack. Sure.