Wednesday, 28 January 2015

12 Reasons Why My Daughter Probably Isn't Bridesmaid Material

In a few short months, two of my best friends in the world are getting married. To say I’m excited would be an understatement. I cannot wait. The very night he asked her to marry him, they asked me if Ebony might like to be a bridesmaid. What an honour! These two friends have played such an important part in my life, in my relationship, and now in my daughter’s life. They were the first people ever to be trusted as late night babysitters, and they have always been wonderful with Ebony. I was so excited when they invited her to be a bridesmaid.

As the day draws ever nearer, however, I am starting to feeling slightly terrified that my daughter may not live up to the idyllic flower girl stereotype you see in movies. My concerns are as follows:

  1. She likes to messily eat brightly coloured food. A lot.
There has not been an occasion in her entire history where she hasn’t ended up coated in neon orange crisp crumbs, chocolate, ice-cream and pasta sauce. The crumbs and smears end up everywhere. All over her face, neck, hair, dress, tights and hands. And everything she touches after that.

  1. She does not like to wash her face.
She is not one of those adorable messy kids who become angelic again in a few mere swishes of a baby wipe. Oh no. She will go to all manner of drama to avoid having her face washed. She will hide, run really fast (probably head first into the bride and her beautiful wedding dress), cry, barter and outright refuse. The only way to guarantee a clean face is to try and get her to wash it herself, which she will only do with (at least) 18 litres of water and a hell of a lot of hand soap.

  1. She is strong-minded.
This is feminist parenting code for “won’t ever do what I want”. Unless she happens to wake up on the morning with the random idea of walking calmly down an aisle, being quiet during a ceremony, and having her photo taken a lot, I am screwed.

  1. She is only in it for the flowers.
Her main motivation as bridesmaid is to have flowers. This would be fine if the flowers came at the end of the day, and acted as a sort of bribe for getting her to fulfil all of her contractual bridesmaid duties, but they don’t. She will get those flowers before she’s even put a toe on the aisle. And then there’s no telling what she’ll do.

  1. She smears things on me.
Most days, the bottom half of me is covered in food, bodily fluids, stickers and felt tip. And that’s fine, because I’m her mother, it’s not the biggest day of my life, and I am not wearing a wedding dress.

  1. She does not like to accesorise.
Scrap that, she loves to accesorise. In theory. She will demand all manner of hair clips, necklaces and bags, but she will never wear them. Well she will, but only for a maximum of two minutes at a time. After that period she will announce they hurt and take them off. This annoys me, and I only ever spend a few pounds, I wouldn’t like to imagine how I might feel if I was paying bridesmaid accessory prices.

  1. She threw up at the last wedding we attended.
On the table. As they brought out dessert. I don’t think I will ever recover from the horror of that moment. But, you know, at least it wasn’t all over the register at the wedding, or all over the actual wedding cake, or down the aisle…

  1. She does not like having her photo taken.
This is pretty much reason for her to be sacked on its own. Flower girls are supposed to stare into the camera with their beautiful big eyes, hold their flowers and pull the most adorable smile ever. My daughter won’t do that. She will make like a celebrity and hold her hand in front of her face while shouting “NO PHOTOS!”

  1. Her hair.
Look, I didn’t want this to get personal, but I feel I have to mention this one. I’ve looked on Pinterest, I know what flower girls are meant to look like. They have long, blonde ringlets tumbling down their backs. They have heads of hairs that can hold flowers crowns and glittery clips. My daughter doesn’t have this. She has short hair. Or, if we’re being honest, a bit of a mullet.
  1. She will talk through the ceremony.
Believe me, I know this from experience. She will talk, and this time, thanks to her bridesmaid status, we won’t be able to hide at the back ready to sneak out at a shout’s notice. We’ll be upfront, near the action. She will start talking, and the absolute best we can hope for is that she doesn’t swear.

  1. She doesn’t understand the role.
A key part of any job is understanding exactly what the job is. I have been reading her books about bridesmaids for months, trying to let the message subtly sink in. And yet, here we are with just a couple of months to go, and she thinks that one of a bridesmaid’s main duties is “to eat all the flanks.” What are flanks, I hear you wonder. They are “sort of like dresses that monsters wear.” Apparently.

  1. She comes from a long line of terrible child bridesmaids.
I was a bridesmaid, aged three, and I showed my special Minnie Mouse knickers to everybody. Everybody.

Monday, 26 January 2015

Living Arrows 4/52

"I don't want to eat cake with you, I want to eat cake with George."

I am feeling under the weather at the moment. I feel like I've been coming down with something for the past week, and it finally hit full force on Sunday. Ebony was meant to be at a birthday party this afternoon but we had to skip it, and instead have a party for two at home.

Dress code: pyjamas
Party food: cake
Party music: absolutely not
Entertainment: Thank god for Netflix
Living Arrows

Monday, 19 January 2015

Living Arrows 3/52

We woke up to the sound of snowflakes this morning (in case you're wondering what that sounds like, it's sort of like, "Muuuuummy, get up, it's snoooowing, loooook!!). Once we had finally managed to drag ourselves out of bed and into warm clothes, we drove off in search of snow. It doesn't seem to ever stick where we live. We played on the sledge, threw snowballs and discovered a few snowmen before heading back home for a nice warm cup of tea. 

It may seem like I am a brave photographer staring a snowball fight in the house, but Ebony has a truly terrible aim. I'd be more worried about snow getting on my camera if I was stood behind her.
Living Arrows

Sunday, 18 January 2015

Giveaway: A Funky Giraffe Bib Set

The lovely folks over at Funky Giraffe have very kindly offered one of you lucky readers a set of their exquisitely stylish bibs. I seem to remember the dribbling stage lasting for most of Ebony's first year. We only had a couple of bibs, so Ebony had a lot of outfit changes as a baby.

Funky Giraffe bibs are good quality and come in a variety of beautiful designs. The ones pictured above are some of my favourites, but there are loads more to choose from.

The winner will be able to choose one of the sets of 10 bibs available here, there are six different sets to choose from so you should be able to find one to suit your brood.

Funky Giraffe have a sale on at the moment, so it's definitely worth checking out the Funky Giraffe website. You can get bibs for as little as £1.50 each in the sale. If you're based outside of the UK, Funky Giraffe have just launched sites in a number of European countries so you won't need to miss out on making a purchase. You can check out the Spanish site here.

This competition is open to UK entrants only. All you need to do to be in with a chance of winning is fill out the Rafflecopter below. Good luck!

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Thursday, 15 January 2015

17 Hardships Only Mothers of Bald Baby Girls Will Understand

  1. Your baby’s bald head will be the first thing friends and family mention each and every time you see them
You won’t get asked how you’re feeling anymore, people will simply stop to comment on your child’s baldness. “Oooh, it’s starting to grow,” they will say, even when it definitely isn’t.

  1. This will happen so much that your baby’s first word will be ‘growing’
My daughter went through a phase (that lasted one whole year) of, each time someone said hello to her, grabbing her tiny tuft of hair and proudly exclaiming that it was growing (even though it definitely wasn’t).

  1. You will spend most of the day correcting people who refer to your daughter as a boy
It’s highly likely that you will have to quit your job to take up the (unpaid) full time position of correcting strangers as to which genitals your child has. And, no matter how many times you tell them, they will continue to use 1950s terms of endearment such as ‘chap’ and ‘sonny’.

  1. You will pray every night for the mullet to come back into fashion
Your heart will skip a beat each time you see a tweet about a new celebrity haircut. And won’t be able to hide your disappointment when you discover that the Kardashians have not ditched the hair extensions in favour of the skullet your baby is currently rocking.

  1. You have a ready-made group of friends in the form of every other bald baby’s mother
The sisterhood sticks together in the shiny face of infantile baldness. Imagine the scene, you’re sitting at playgroup enjoying a cup of tea and glance up to locate your baby. As your eyes search for the glare of sunlight bouncing off your baby’s lack of barnett, you are momentarily blinded by the rays projected from a slap head only to realise that that is not your baby’s beloved scalp you can see. There is another skullet in the building! You make it your mission to find the other bald baby’s mother, become her bestest friend, and together start a letter writing campaign to all the big babywear brands asking them to use more mullet-wielding girl models in their advertising campaigns.

  1. Nothing in life mocks you more than the adorable bottle of sweet smelling baby shampoo you were given as a baby shower gift
It just sits there in the bathroom, gathering dust yet looking hopeful each and every time you go to wash your baby’s head. This hope soon turns to disappointment as you reach of the wax instead, to perfect that delicious sheen that really draws attention to your baby’s seemingly endless supply of cradle cap.

  1. Elderly relatives will ask you WHY your daughter is bald, as though you are somehow failing her by providing an insufficient diet, lack of sunlight or just generally rubbing her head too much...
They will probably even suggest a trip to the doctor to help solve the mystery of the baldest baby that ever lived (thanks for that, Nanny).

  1. ... you will laugh it off, feel secretly outraged and then spend all night Googling variations of “vitamin deficiency bald baby”
It’s fine, Google will just reassure you that you haven’t done anything wrong. Well, aside from pass on terrible genes to your child, or select a mate who has.

  1. No matter how many bows, dresses and vagina hats you put on your baby, people will still comment on what a gorgeous little boy he is
When strangers have gone out of their way to tell your daughter what a handsome young man she is, it can feel a little awkward to correct them, which brings us nicely onto the next point.

  1. Sometimes you’ll just pretend she’s a boy
The twentieth correction of the day can feel like one too many, and at some point you will lose the will to keep telling people that your child was born with a vagina. You will start referring to your baby as a he, and will probably have a boy’s name you whip out of special occasions. Max, or something.

  1. You will want to punch people when they try to reassure you about the bald
“Oh, don’t worry. My sister had hair like that, she was completely bald until she was 15.” No-one has ever felt better when hearing the news that bald baby syndrome can actually last for years (basically, eternity).

  1. You will be publicly outraged at the idea of baby wigs
But will secretly consider buying one and then moving to a new area where nobody knows that your baby is a baldie.

  1. You will feel enraged at the sight of little girls with french plaits tied with ribbons
Especially when those braided babies are half the age of your be-mulleted daughter who refuses to wear clips and headbands (and is still refusing to grow actual hair).
  1. There will be many, many false alarms
On more than one occasion you will think that your daughter’s hair is starting to grow. You will crack open the prosecco, invest a small fortune in brightly coloured hair clips, and buy a matching brush and comb set, only to discover that no, it is not growing. Just the rat tail at the back is growing, the rest is most definitely still not there.

  1. You will cry actual tears of joy the first time you untangle a knot in your baby’s hair
She will probably be 17 by this point but you will still cherish the moment.

  1. The first time you pull her hair back into a ponytail will be the best moment of your life
I assume. I wouldn’t know for sure, because my daughter is only Three Years Old so is still rocking a mullet.

  1. You will hope above all else that your next baby has hair
And you will preemptively invest in a baby wig before the birth just in case.


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