Not long after I discovered I was pregnant with Ebony, I went to meet my friend and her mum for coffee. It had recently been my birthday and my friend gave me a pretty little notepad that said ‘Everything is the best’ on the front cover. As soon as I saw it, I knew it would be my pregnancy diary. But then, pregnancy really wasn’t the best. I was feeling pretty isolated because we hadn’t told anyone, I was throwing up constantly and I was emotional as hell. It just felt a bit ridiculous to moan about all of those things in such an optimistic notebook. And so I didn’t write anything. Not a word.
This was before I started this blog, so there is no written memory of my pregnancy. I have emails, of course, hundreds of them to my friend Alys detailing the things I threw up, the aches and the fears that plagued my dreams. I could, if I so wished, scroll through them and remind myself of my pregnancy journey, but it’s not as easy as opening a diary. So, with this pregnancy, I wanted to write it all down. I thought I’d start writing these pregnancy updates and then I can share them on the blog when I eventually share the news.
I found out I was pregnant four hours ago. I haven’t had any signs, there was nothing that really stood out and made me think I was pregnant. But I felt really emotional last week, and that’s how I knew last time. Last time, I cried the whole way through the Royal Wedding, and that’s when I began to suspect I might be pregnant. I’m not a Royalist and don’t usually get emotional at the weddings of strangers. This time, I cried because Laurie was home late from work and his roast dinner had gone cold. Pregnancy hormones, surely. And I’m starting to come down with something, which isn’t really like me.
And so I took a test. I waited three minutes, and then I found out I was pregnant. I was going to wait to tell Laurie. He’s tucked up in bed poorly, and I really wanted to tell him when he was feeling better. Maybe I could cook a nice meal and tell him then? But, of course, I blurted it out as soon as I got back into the bedroom. It’s hard to keep good news inside.
I’ve worked out that the baby should arrived in August. I’m hoping that will be good timing for Ebony. She’ll get to spend a month bonding with the new baby before school starts. School will give her that freedom from the unavoidable routine of breastfeeds, nappy changes and naps. I hope the month between will be long enough to make sure Ebony doesn’t feel pushed out. I can’t really imagine what it will be like to have two. As soon as I’d told Laurie the news, I got a pang of fear that Ebony won’t like being a big sister. I mean, nobody does all the time, do they? And yet, I know she will love having someone to play with in a couple of years. I know she’ll love the adoration you get from younger siblings, and the responsibility of sharing her wisdom.
An August baby will hopefully be good timing for me and the baby too. It will give us a chunk of time each day together, away from the interruptions of parenting an older child. I can remember years ago asking my friend Felicity if she ever thought she would have another child, and she said maybe, but only once her son was in school so she’d be able to enjoy having a baby again. Her words have always stuck with me and it’s something I’m very much looking forward to becoming my reality.
It’s weird to think there is a baby inside me. I don’t feel pregnant at all. Emotional, maybe, but nothing more. I just feel normal, and yet my body is busy making preparations for this pregnancy. I’m already dreading the start of morning sickness, even though I’ve probably forgotten just how awful it was last time.