Vaginas have been in the news a lot recently. The coverage hasn’t been about female genital mutilation, or about rape, or even about sexuality. No, the press has been talking about the word. Vagina. Apparently this is one news worthy word.
A US elected official dared to say the word vagina in a debate about abortion. People were outraged, bloody outraged! How dare she say such a filthy word! Bah. This is exactly why women shouldn’t be allowed to control their own wombs, because they can’t even control their own mouths.
One elected representative told news sources that he would not use that word in front of women. Thank crap for that. Can you imagine how women might react after hearing the word vagina? I mean, it’s really bloody rude. They’d probably blush, maybe - if they were, you know, on their period - even cry. Good god, there would be crying, bleeding women everywhere. No doubt some women would get in such a hysterical flap they would run into walls, drive into ditches (we all know women can’t drive at the best of times) and drop their babies. It would be chaos, absolute chaos.
So no-one say it, ok? Just don’t say it. Especially if you’re discussing the reproductive rights of women. I mean, it’s hardly relevant then anyway. To talk about... bits and stuff. Just don’t talk about it. Especially in front of women. If you’re a man in power, discuss it with other men for sure. But don’t let women hear.
Oh and if you sell products for vaginas - like femfresh or whatever. Then definitely don’t use the word vagina. You might offend the people with the vaginas, and that would be bad for business. In fact, try to use cutesy words like “kitty” and “lala” instead. Lala, that’s nice. Like the teletubby. That’ll make women think of teletubbies instead of vaginas, so that’s good for business and good for society. Vaginas are very bad for society, so just don’t talk about them.
If you have to, and I mean really have to, talk about them then ok. But only if you use a different word. A nice word. Think back to primary school, what were they called then? Foo-foo? Tuppence? Front bottom? Front bottom, that’s a nice one. Men have bottoms too so that word isn’t rude. Not like vagina. Hideous word. In fact, it’s really best not to talk about them at all. I often wish I didn’t know I had one. I just want elected men to make decisions about it so I don’t have to trouble my pretty little mind about such things. After all, science is all so complicated isn’t it?
Not really, I love the word vagina. It's one of my favourites. My Mum taught me the word vagina when I was old enough to talk. I never referred to it as a lala. It was always my vagina. I don’t know if my Mum had an ingrained feminist agenda for teaching me the word, or if she is just repulsed by the childish names people give them, but either way I’m glad I always used the proper word.
Most toddles don’t know the word vagina, and they certainly don’t use it publicly. But I did, because I didn’t realise society deemed it a “bad word”. I used it all the time. Here are my two favourite stories my Mum tells about me and the word vagina:
When I was about two, my Mum took me with her to a friend’s house. My Mum and her friend were drinking coffee while I played. I went out of the room, stripped off (as I often did in my toddler days) and returned, naked and pointing: “Vagina!” I announced loudly. My Mum, slightly embarrassed by my bluntness, agreed and then tried to get me dressed. “Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!" I exclaimed gleefully while running round the room naked.
Another day she took me to the zoo. I was in a pushchair, and we were looking at orangutans. The orangutans were always my favourite. Most of the orangutans were playing on the climbing frame, some were skipping around their enclosure. One, a female orangutan, was enjoying some quite public alone time. There was a crowd at the viewing point, all ignoring this particular orangutan. The crowd was made up of elderly people and other Mums and children. I turned round to look at my Mum, lifted my finger to point at the orangutan, and screeched excitedly: “Mummy, that rangitang is stroking her VAGINA!”
Other parents looked on in disgust. My Mum looked down at me in a mortified fashion and quickly wheeled me away, to a less vagina-ary exhibition.